Close Relationships

Allow me to summarize what my brain is thinking about Christian life and personal growth these days...

1. Close Relationships Are Crucial
Much of my thinking flows from this initial premise. Close relationships are absolutely necessary and foundational to our growth as people and as Christians. Yes, we can grow and mature in many other ways but the most important and effective way, by far, is through our friends and mentors. Everything else is like going to English classes once a week rather than being immersed in an English culture (to steal an example from my dad).

2. Close Relationships Cannot Be Mandated
We can't pluck two people out of a crowd and make 'em into close friends. We can't assign mentors and expect things to work out marvelously. We can't assume that an Alpha program will produce continuing friendships. Cell groups and Bible studies can remain as boring and useless as we please. A church cannot decree that "relationships are important" or that "everyone needs a mentor" and expect to see something happen.

At best, a church can provide opportunities like Alpha and small groups. At best, the leaders can teach this by example. At worst, a church can facilitate superficial programs and encourage apathetic Christian lives. At worst, the leaders can show us that mentoring is not important. Either way, we can't expect the church to create these kinds of close relationships.

3. Close Relationships Are Created By Individuals
I suspect that there is no model that automatically creates close friendships and mentoring relationships. (Although it may be argued that cell churches in other countries intend to do exactly this, but even then...) It's up to each person on their own to make this happen. My goal is not to change church practice as a whole, it's to convince individual people of the importance of growing through close relationships. Sometimes I can do this by example and my direct friendships, sometimes it's through a cell group, sometimes it's through a blog like this, sometimes it's by challenging the status quo.

4. Close Relationships Are Intentional
In the end, close friendships come together because of many factors. A mutual desire for friendships, mutual willingness to be vulnerable and real, mutual interests or life situations may help, finding ways to spend time together, etc.

That being said, developing close friendships is not a "magical" thing, as I've heard people tell me many times. It's not some elusive chemistry and happenstance. Close friendships are intentional and they don't just happen. We have to make a point of finding people, of reaching out to them, of inviting them into our lives, of intruding into their lives. That's what good friends do.

Much of my blog writing regarding spiritual life and personal growth flows from these ideas, I think. Much of my emphasis with friends and the purpose of my conversations with people comes from here. If I criticize the church at all, it's because I see examples of how the church discourages close relationships. And even then, it's still not up to the church because it always comes back to making our own choices to pursue real and meaningful friendships.

All I want to do is enourage some people to develop some new friendships. I don't think that's too much to ask. We want to do it anyway, and we need to do it. It's not very difficult but it does require us to open up and make the effort. And when we do, we'll find that we can each grow so easily and so quickly and so well. We'll love these friends of ours and we'll make an impact with our lives, one friend at a time.