Trente-et-Un: Looking Forward

I hit 31 years of age this past weekend, so now it's time to look forward...

I only have a few goals for this upcoming year. The big-ticket item is that Cam and I are planning to buy a house within driving distance of my workplace in Mississauga. We are considering living as far away as Burlington or Milton, which would involve a minimum 45 minutes of driving to and from work each weekday. Closer would be better, of course, but prices and property taxes in this area are much higher than they would be in London, ON. We would be ready to buy a home now if we were still living in London but we'll need a few more months of saving for the downpayment here. We're strongly considering building a new home, actually, since it may be cheaper to do that in the end.

Ideally, we'll get something in a nice neighbourhood with a fabulous kitchen, ensuite bathroom and a private yard. A big kitchen is key since we are currently in a nice-yet-small basement apartment and the kitchen is sooo tiny. We need a house that will be big enough for raising kids in the future but not so large that it's a pain to manage and finance. Y'know, the average starter-family home. As long as it's not a fix-er-upper 'cause I'm not the handy-man type. ;)

That's our main goal for the upcoming year. Other than that, we have a two-week road trip planned for the East Coast of Canada this summer and then in a few years we want to take a major trip through Vietnam-NewZealand-Australia. Cam and I are practicing our French for our travels through Quebec this summer and then I'll have to figure out how this Vietnamese language works.

Much of my life before marriage was focused on church and worship/music ministry. When Cam and I were preparing for our wedding and our marriage, I consciously decided to step back from all of that. Cam and I do attend a church nearby on Oakville intermittantly (The Meeting Place) and that's fine. No pressure, no schedules, no time away from my wife. That being said, I do get a strong urge to pick up a dijembe or grab a conga and do some percussion once in a while. I also miss singing, playing piano and writing music. I think that I might be happy to wait until we have our new house and I can move my old piano from my parents' place. Simply worshipping with God privately sounds really good to me right now...

As for my career, things are going extremely well. With more than a year under my belt now, I've gained my footing at OSL Marketing and I'm starting to pursue my personal career goals. It remains the best job that I have ever had (and I've had some good ones) and my managers give me plenty of room to learn and try new things. I'm completely comfortable with VB.NET website development and I'm beginning to help out in other areas of our projects. I used to be a director at another software company, overseeing a team of programmers and software testers, and we'll see if I can get the chance to something similar on specific projects this year. Seeing my work advertised in stores and printed on food packages is still quite thrilling!

The rest of life will be spent with numerous visits with family and our close friends. There's a couple of weddings on the horizon and a camping trip or two. Throw that all together with my hobbies of comics and movies and it'll be good times. And as I've said before: The fact that get to share all of these experiences with my beautiful and amazing wife makes everything better!

Top Ten Movies Of 2008

This is my fifth annual Top Ten list. This list only accounts for movies that were officially released in 2008, and I saw 56 new releases in all this year. I only considered the movies that I actually saw but there are still 46 movies on my future wish list...

[10] What Happens In Vegas (Link)
I am shocked - shocked! - that a chick flick made my Top Ten list. The premise is entirely cliche: A drunken night in Vegas leads two people to get married, they win a $3 Million jackpot and a judge forces them to remain married for six months before they're allowed to divorce and claim the money. Yeah, it's an awful cliche but it made me laugh the first time I saw it. That's all I ask from a girly movie so I was adequately satisfied. Then I had to watch it for a second time over the Christmas holidays and I was surprised that it made me laugh just as much the second time 'round. The continual conflict and the precarious balance between the characters of Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher hit my funny bone just right, and the fact that the two supporting "best friend" characters also hated each other was a nice sidebar. I hate that this movie forced it's way in here, and I accept all mockery accordingly...

[9] Vantage Point (Link)
I respect this movie so it makes this list even though I enjoyed the others more. The central conceit is that the President of the United States is shot in a crowded square. The film then follows five or six main people as their simultaneous stories play out. It's one story told from each of their points of view and everything crashes together at the end. After seeing the same scene play out for the fourth or fifth time, you would expect the suspense to lessen but somehow it keeps things moving quite nicely for most of the movie.

[8] The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Link)
Yes, it's a splendid movie. Written by the same author as Forrest Gump, it's follows an epic lifetime as a baby is born with the same infirmities that an eighty year old man would have, and then the boy's body grows younger as the boy grows older. The CGI was frickin' awesome since Brad Pitt played the same character at most stages of life. My main problem is that I didn't identify or engage with the main character. Despite the fact that I whine about getting older, old age is still foreign territory for me so this didn't grab me emotionally. Besides that, everything else pays off nicely.

[7] Kung-Fu Panda (Link)
This is the 6th highest grossing of the year, second for animated flicks behind Wall·E. Jack Black is perfect in the role of a fat panda with dreams of kung-fu glory. Lotsa funniness but the main characters are fully realized and the enemy tiger is cool. I always enjoy animated movies and I came away with plenty of smiles.

[6] Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Link)
I enjoyed the first Hellboy movie and I've read some of the original comics, and this movie kicked the first movie's ass. On the DVD, there is a documentary that details all of the incredible work in the now-legendary "Troll Market" movie set. (The forced-perspective alley was an especially great trick.) Throw in the mechano-men, a war between the fairy-tale world and the world of men, some touching/funny relationship stuff and it equals a great summer blockbuster.

[5] Frost/Nixon (Link)
This is a late addition to my list since I just saw it this week. I know only the general details about Nixon's political career and Watergate so it was educational and very interesting. The film revolves around Frost, an entertainment host in the vein of Ryan Seacrest, as he attempts the greatest challenge of his career by self-funding an television interview with Nixon after Nixon resigned as president. The intellectual dual between Frost and Nixon is fantastic and the climax is spell-binding. There are various name actors playing real-life people, which was distracting at first but worked well later on. In particular, I enjoyed the performances of Kevin Bacon, Oliver Platt and Frank Langella as Nixon, and I walked around mimicing Nixon's voice all evening. This might seem like a boring talking-heads kinda flick but it was right up my alley.

[4] Iron Man (Link)
Another awesome comic movie, though the climactic fight left a little to be desired. I was tracking this one from it's inception, and I strongly admire the clear vision that director Jon Favreau had for everything. Robert Downey Jr. was ideal as Tony Stark and the notion of a sequel and an Avengers team movie is geek-heaven. It pulled off the requisite origin story and added the same learning-the-ropes physical humour that Spider-Man had. Still, all of the credit for this movie goes to those two men that I mentioned.

[3] Wall·E (Link)
Brilliant. It had humour that worked for both kids and adults, and it had the best love story on this list. The unique sound effects had much well-justified praise, and I only mention that since the sounds were such an integral part to both the characters and the plot. Sure, it was pretty preachy and showing real-life actors in some scenes really rubbed me the wrong way, but the beauty and intelligence far outweighed these minor flaws.

[2] Tropic Thunder (Link)
By far, by far, the best comedy of the year. All of the actors were at their peak and the humour was as bold as it gets. The way it traded between satire and broad laughs was inspiring and it kept me on my toes the whole time. "I'm a dude playin' a dude disguised as another dude."

[1] The Dark Knight (Link)
And here it is, my Number One of the Year. No surprise, and I'll leave the superlatives alone for this one. My fear of the "too many villains" syndrome was thankfully alleviated. Heath Ledger's choices in how he played the Joker really worked, even though I'm not a huge fan of Christian Bale's growling Batman. I saw this in IMAX format and the sense of vertigo made it a rather immersive experience. The. Best.


Honourable Mentions:
Traitor (Should have made my Top Ten but I forgot about it 'til the end.)
Rambo (Bloody old-school action flick.)
Quantum of Solace (The previous one was better.)
Leatherheads (Too clever for it's own good.)
Gran Torino (So much racism it was unintentionally/intentionally funny.)
War, Inc. (B-level pseudo-sequel to the excellent Grosse Point Blank.)

Movies I Missed The Could Have Made This List:
The Wrestler (Mickey Rourke's comeback miracle.)
JCVD (Jean Claude Van Damme acts as a version of himself caught in a robbery.)
Che (Lots of award talk...)

Most Frustrating Movie:
Seven Pounds with Will Smith. It was a mystifying premise while Will's character ran around doing weird things for no apparent reason. My wife Cam figured it out early on but the full explanation didn't kick in until the very end. Soooo annoying.

Worst Movie Of The Year:
Max Payne with Mark Whalberg. I don't know what Whalberg's problem is but it was like he smoked some pot and then did a rip-off impersonation of his previous roles. Weird plot, terrible casting, freaky demon-things for no reason at all, predictable plot twists, bad acting, etc. You get the picture.

My Previous Top 10 Lists:
2004, 2005, 2006 & 2007

References:
Film Release Dates for 2008
Top Grossing Movies of 2008

Couple of Snowflakes

Questions for Couples:

• Do you want or need time apart from each other?
• How much money/time is devoted to each of your hobbies?
• Is it important to share your spiritual beliefs?
• Who takes care of the cleaning, the cooking, the bills, the planning?
• How often to you see family and friends, and are you together or apart?
• How many kids will you have, and when? If you do, how will you raise them?
• How do you deal with conflict?
• What makes your partner feel good? How do you show your love to them?
• How has your relationship or how have your views changed over time?

It's fascinating to talk to friends and other couples about how they view romantic relationships and marriage. Whether or not they're single, every person has their own perspective on these things. And each couple seems to have a very unique set of "ground rules" that they live by, a common understanding about how to live together and how to relate to one another.

This personal perspective is developed by many things. It's based on our values, the things that we believe in and expect. It's based on our personality, the way that we communicate and listen, the things that make us feel good or bad. It's based on how we grew up, on our experiences, on our history. It's based on everyday things, like how much money we have or where we live. Everything that makes us so distinctly us drives how we see relationships.

That's where things get interesting. The lessons that we have learned and the rules that we live by may not work very well at all for someone else. The spoken and unspoken guidelines that we use (or will use) within our own romantic relationship may give us a lifetime of love but those same guidelines may cripple another couple.

And when we discuss these things with other people, we may be shocked to learn how they look at things. We may try to convince them that we have it figured out. We may analyze their relationship to spot potential dangers and explain their actions. We have gained some wisdom and we're confident that everyone would benefit from it.

Just look at the first question at the top. Some couples love being together constantly. At home, at work, at play, with friends...they're hardly ever apart. Some couples relish their time apart, showing that absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder. Some couples live with the fact that their careers keep them away from each other for extended periods of time, and some couples would prefer to change careers rather than be apart for weeks at a time. The thing is, a healthy relationship is possible in any of these scenarios.

As I continue to learn and grow as a married man, I'm always discovering things about myself and about my beautiful wife and about our relationship. I want to write and explain some of these things. Sometimes it's practical ("Take out the trash before it stinks") and sometimes it's more philosophial ("What about her love languages?") but the goal is to deepen a healthy and passionate love for one another.

And as I continue to write about what I/we have learned, it's tempting to turn these insights into dogma and present it as wisdom from on high. That's just not how life works. We're all unique, we're all a little normal and we're all a little odd. We're a couple of snowflakes - or just some flakes, if you will. Each relationship is an incredible combination of two individual souls and we need to appreciate that and learn from each other, applying whatever works without dismissing the rest...

His Needs, Her Needs

In preparing for our wedding last June, we did some premarital counseling with my former pastor Leonard Terry and his wife Carrie. They spoke with us about their experiences in a very matter-of-fact way and were really able to relate to us. They explored various issues like financial plans, past romantic history, and future goals. They wanted to make sure we knew each other well and that we knew what we were getting into. They emphasized balance in everything, repeatedly giving examples about how even the best relationship advice in the world can become harmful if you take it too far.

Beyond that, they provided us with a few different books to work through together. To be honest, some of them weren't expecially good but several of them were amazingly insightful. They captured the dynamics of committed romantic relationships and explained them in a way that was easy to grasp. Even though we were both in our late twenties, it was surprising to discover so much about ourselves and about our relationship as we worked through these books.

As I begin to write about marriage, I wanted to introduce some of these books along with the core concepts. The first one, and the one that we refer to most frequently, is called His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr. It discusses the idea that both partners each have their own needs - not just selfish desires or preferences, but genuine needs. The author offers his list of the ten most prominent needs for married couples, which includes (in no particular order)...

1. Affection
2. Sexual Fulfillment
3. Conversation
4. Recreational Companionship
5. Honesty & Openness
6. Physical Attractiveness
7. Financial Support
8. Domestic Support
9. Family Commitment
10. Admiration

Very often, we don't even realize that we have some of these needs so it's helpful to analyze ourselves. We may not realize how fulfilling or ignoring these needs can make us feel either good or bad, and how these things affect our relationship. With this in mind, we can learn how to express ourselves better. On the flip side, we can learn more about our partner and we can see how to draw closer together.

The needs are co-operative. Fulfilling a need for our partner often leads to them reciprocating and fulfilling our own need in some way. It's a positive effect, building and building. For example, sharing in some recreational fun that we both enjoy can easily lead to extended conversations afterwards. As another example, the parallel needs of affection and sexual fulfillment become entwined, displays of love leading to sex and sex leading to more displays of love.

Conversely, this spiral of needs can also be destructive. Hurting our partner may lead them to shut down on us and ignore our needs, which in turn hurts us and makes us less inclined to fill their needs. Sometimes this process is intentional, withholding something in revenge or for spite. Sometimes it's unintentional, like when we feel hurt by dishonesty and we're not in the mood to touch one another. Either negatively or positively, whether we're aware of it or not, we always play this role in the health of our relationship.

These principles apply to married couples and non-married couples alike, which is why I like to refer to "partners" instead of "spouses." Naturally, I'm a big fan of marriage since I love my wife so much but these same dynamics are active in any long-term romantic relationship. This back-and-forth is always happening and we have to realize that we honestly require some things and the other person is the same way. It's the natural give and take (although "Give & Take" is something I will get into more later).

I have a lot of thoughts about this topic and about the various specific needs, and the book has much more to say about it. I may follow up with more thoughts on these things in future posts but you're welcome to track down that book yourself or open more discussions on this blog...

Life Together

As a newlywed, I have found that my entire perspective on life has changed quite dramatically. It's like I was wandering in the dark by moonlight and the sun has risen. It's like I was severely near-sighted (as I actually am) and now I have better than 20/20 vision. It's not that life itself has changed but now I can see so much more of it.

Not only can I see more but I also see things differently. Through the lens of my relationship with my wife Cam, everything is transformed. How I see myself, how I know God, how I value friendships, how I look at marriages... I feel like I was an ant that was surrounded by these gigantic things and I suddenly grew into a man that could hold these same things in my hand. My life will never be the same and it's amazing and incredible and miraculous.

As I go along, I am planning to write about a few concepts that I have learned that have really helped me understand the dynamics of relationships, in particular romantic relationships. It's interesting to discuss these things with my friends and discover how diverse we are, how unique each couple is and how different our ideas are. Hopefully you'll enjoy my thoughts on these matters and maybe you'll even find some of these things practical and useful in your own life. In return, you're welcome to share and contribute your own wisdom and experience...