Journal from 1995
Journal entry from sometime in 1995:
I seem to recognize how much I want God. It's really a deep down need but there's also a deep down knowledge that it's going to cost me BIG!!! Really big! So then I have this other deep down knowledge (of a sort) that He's all set to absolutely blow me away with His power through me and His plans for me. They're huge but it's going to cost me everything. I'm going to do it but how long will it take for me to "buckle down" as much as it's gonna take?
Response from 2005:
Apparently it's going to take me more than ten years. As I reflect on my life, I don't think that I've paid much of a price for where I am now. I've always been good at a lot of things, from different school subjects to church ministry to work. That skill has allowed to coast along without any major personal cost.
If worship ministry is my main calling, then what have I invested towards that goal? Sure, I've continually been a part of worship teams at any church that I've been in. I taught worship when I was helping lead the DTS class at LGT back in 1998. I led and taught a youth worship team at FCCC. I've spent my own money on a single year's worth of piano study.
Yet here I am with minimal piano skills, though my percussion skills have improved quite a bit. I've only recorded one worship CD with three songs, none of which I wrote. I've only written three complete worship songs. I still can't lead anything but slow worship with my piano.
Looking back, I think that my most effective worship ministry has been at three times.
- Teaching worship in five-minute sessions during the DTS course.
- Leading the youth worship team at FCCC until the team was self-sufficient.
- Playing after-service ministry worship for people praying at FCCC.
I want more and I think that God wants more from me. What's my price?
3 comments:
Maybe consider that feeling like you haven't done enough is just part of your personality.
I assume that Mike's comment was a bit tongue-in-cheek because of my recent emphasis on personality.
Still, you guys know me well enough so I would think that it would clear if this self-doubt was a pattern in my life. I say that my usual pattern is to not doubt myself at all, which may be why I'm here today.
Hey Jamie, I think you're onto something. I believe that Christians should be most concerned when they are most comfortable. Good luck on continuing your search for what God wants from you. You ask what your price is...think what Jesus' was.
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