His Needs, Her Needs

In preparing for our wedding last June, we did some premarital counseling with my former pastor Leonard Terry and his wife Carrie. They spoke with us about their experiences in a very matter-of-fact way and were really able to relate to us. They explored various issues like financial plans, past romantic history, and future goals. They wanted to make sure we knew each other well and that we knew what we were getting into. They emphasized balance in everything, repeatedly giving examples about how even the best relationship advice in the world can become harmful if you take it too far.

Beyond that, they provided us with a few different books to work through together. To be honest, some of them weren't expecially good but several of them were amazingly insightful. They captured the dynamics of committed romantic relationships and explained them in a way that was easy to grasp. Even though we were both in our late twenties, it was surprising to discover so much about ourselves and about our relationship as we worked through these books.

As I begin to write about marriage, I wanted to introduce some of these books along with the core concepts. The first one, and the one that we refer to most frequently, is called His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr. It discusses the idea that both partners each have their own needs - not just selfish desires or preferences, but genuine needs. The author offers his list of the ten most prominent needs for married couples, which includes (in no particular order)...

1. Affection
2. Sexual Fulfillment
3. Conversation
4. Recreational Companionship
5. Honesty & Openness
6. Physical Attractiveness
7. Financial Support
8. Domestic Support
9. Family Commitment
10. Admiration

Very often, we don't even realize that we have some of these needs so it's helpful to analyze ourselves. We may not realize how fulfilling or ignoring these needs can make us feel either good or bad, and how these things affect our relationship. With this in mind, we can learn how to express ourselves better. On the flip side, we can learn more about our partner and we can see how to draw closer together.

The needs are co-operative. Fulfilling a need for our partner often leads to them reciprocating and fulfilling our own need in some way. It's a positive effect, building and building. For example, sharing in some recreational fun that we both enjoy can easily lead to extended conversations afterwards. As another example, the parallel needs of affection and sexual fulfillment become entwined, displays of love leading to sex and sex leading to more displays of love.

Conversely, this spiral of needs can also be destructive. Hurting our partner may lead them to shut down on us and ignore our needs, which in turn hurts us and makes us less inclined to fill their needs. Sometimes this process is intentional, withholding something in revenge or for spite. Sometimes it's unintentional, like when we feel hurt by dishonesty and we're not in the mood to touch one another. Either negatively or positively, whether we're aware of it or not, we always play this role in the health of our relationship.

These principles apply to married couples and non-married couples alike, which is why I like to refer to "partners" instead of "spouses." Naturally, I'm a big fan of marriage since I love my wife so much but these same dynamics are active in any long-term romantic relationship. This back-and-forth is always happening and we have to realize that we honestly require some things and the other person is the same way. It's the natural give and take (although "Give & Take" is something I will get into more later).

I have a lot of thoughts about this topic and about the various specific needs, and the book has much more to say about it. I may follow up with more thoughts on these things in future posts but you're welcome to track down that book yourself or open more discussions on this blog...

Life Together

As a newlywed, I have found that my entire perspective on life has changed quite dramatically. It's like I was wandering in the dark by moonlight and the sun has risen. It's like I was severely near-sighted (as I actually am) and now I have better than 20/20 vision. It's not that life itself has changed but now I can see so much more of it.

Not only can I see more but I also see things differently. Through the lens of my relationship with my wife Cam, everything is transformed. How I see myself, how I know God, how I value friendships, how I look at marriages... I feel like I was an ant that was surrounded by these gigantic things and I suddenly grew into a man that could hold these same things in my hand. My life will never be the same and it's amazing and incredible and miraculous.

As I go along, I am planning to write about a few concepts that I have learned that have really helped me understand the dynamics of relationships, in particular romantic relationships. It's interesting to discuss these things with my friends and discover how diverse we are, how unique each couple is and how different our ideas are. Hopefully you'll enjoy my thoughts on these matters and maybe you'll even find some of these things practical and useful in your own life. In return, you're welcome to share and contribute your own wisdom and experience...