Links & Blinks

Cam and I sent a Christmas card to our wedding photographer, Joee. In response, he snapped a pic and posted this blog about us. He's a fantastic photographer and we love his work, so we feel very lucky to have him for our wedding on June 21, 2008. You can visit that blog or his main website for more examples of his work, and the picture of us above was also created by him.

One of my friends has a new blog, Mutterings Of A Mom. The joys and stress of new motherhood... "This too, shall pass." Heh.

My dad had another good blog post recently, Great Versus Good Programs. Any great program requires a clear goal, a clear time frame and a clear exit strategy. Otherwise, any good program will either not accomplish anything specific or it will gradually peter out and die. I really like what he said here, it makes sense to me. Anyone disagree?

Close Relationships

Allow me to summarize what my brain is thinking about Christian life and personal growth these days...

1. Close Relationships Are Crucial
Much of my thinking flows from this initial premise. Close relationships are absolutely necessary and foundational to our growth as people and as Christians. Yes, we can grow and mature in many other ways but the most important and effective way, by far, is through our friends and mentors. Everything else is like going to English classes once a week rather than being immersed in an English culture (to steal an example from my dad).

2. Close Relationships Cannot Be Mandated
We can't pluck two people out of a crowd and make 'em into close friends. We can't assign mentors and expect things to work out marvelously. We can't assume that an Alpha program will produce continuing friendships. Cell groups and Bible studies can remain as boring and useless as we please. A church cannot decree that "relationships are important" or that "everyone needs a mentor" and expect to see something happen.

At best, a church can provide opportunities like Alpha and small groups. At best, the leaders can teach this by example. At worst, a church can facilitate superficial programs and encourage apathetic Christian lives. At worst, the leaders can show us that mentoring is not important. Either way, we can't expect the church to create these kinds of close relationships.

3. Close Relationships Are Created By Individuals
I suspect that there is no model that automatically creates close friendships and mentoring relationships. (Although it may be argued that cell churches in other countries intend to do exactly this, but even then...) It's up to each person on their own to make this happen. My goal is not to change church practice as a whole, it's to convince individual people of the importance of growing through close relationships. Sometimes I can do this by example and my direct friendships, sometimes it's through a cell group, sometimes it's through a blog like this, sometimes it's by challenging the status quo.

4. Close Relationships Are Intentional
In the end, close friendships come together because of many factors. A mutual desire for friendships, mutual willingness to be vulnerable and real, mutual interests or life situations may help, finding ways to spend time together, etc.

That being said, developing close friendships is not a "magical" thing, as I've heard people tell me many times. It's not some elusive chemistry and happenstance. Close friendships are intentional and they don't just happen. We have to make a point of finding people, of reaching out to them, of inviting them into our lives, of intruding into their lives. That's what good friends do.

Much of my blog writing regarding spiritual life and personal growth flows from these ideas, I think. Much of my emphasis with friends and the purpose of my conversations with people comes from here. If I criticize the church at all, it's because I see examples of how the church discourages close relationships. And even then, it's still not up to the church because it always comes back to making our own choices to pursue real and meaningful friendships.

All I want to do is enourage some people to develop some new friendships. I don't think that's too much to ask. We want to do it anyway, and we need to do it. It's not very difficult but it does require us to open up and make the effort. And when we do, we'll find that we can each grow so easily and so quickly and so well. We'll love these friends of ours and we'll make an impact with our lives, one friend at a time.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

A few random thoughts based on various recent conversations...

The majority of a church's resources are devoted to the weekend service. Preparation for worship and sermons and multi-media stuff, Sunday school teachers, ushers, building usage, etc. While other church activities certainly take place, the greater percentage of it is devoted to the weekend services.

So if we try to emphasize any other initiative or purpose, whether it's social assistance of some kind or cell groups and mentoring, these will always come second to the weekend service. These other goals may be important but they're never as important as the services because we do not devote as much of the church to them. And when push comes to shove and people have to give something up, they'll stick with that top priority of the weekend service at the expense of anything else.

Actions speak louder than words, right?

If someone was involved in small groups, or service to the poor, or Alpha, are they considered to be a member of that local church? What if they only do those things regularly and they never come to a weekend service? What if they only attend one service a month? How do we define who is a member of our local church and who isn't?

Many people like to describe the local church as a "family." I am leaving my current church soon to join a different one with my fiance and various people have expressed some sadness at my departure. I was part of another church that permanently shut down and that was a very emotional experience for many long-term members there. We love those friends and those close relationships that we have in church.

However, how many of those relationships continued in any way after that church closed? How many of my friends from my current church will I ever see again once I switch? How many friendships survive after there's a conflict and someone leaves a church? In my experience, the answer is that very few relationships continue once someone moves on from a church for any reason, whether good or bad.

Attending church on weekly basis seems to make it conveniant to be friendly but it makes it inconveniant to become very close friends. Church is a life-support system that keeps these relationships alive, but only superficially, like keeping the breathing going. And once you remove the common factor of weekly attendance, these relationships falter and die. And when that happens, you have to wonder how close these relationships were in the first place.

Actions speak louder than words, right?

And what is the basis for a healthy Christian life with continued growth? The way that we answer this question informs much of our spiritual lives. If we answer that Bible and prayer are most important, we can devote ourselves to daily devotions and Bible studies. If we answer that good and challenging teaching is required, we can look for books and sermons and Sunday School classes. If we answer that we need mentoring relationships and discipleship, then we look to develop closer relationships with people. If answer that all of those things are important then we need to incorporate every facet.

Since mentoring relations are the exception rather than the norm in modern Canadian Christian culture, that would suggest that we place less emphasis on the relational aspect of our spiritual growth. And frequently, someone in church will ask if we all study the Bible and pray by ourselves enough, and the majority of the people will admit they do not. So that leaves Sunday services as the most common method to drive our spiritual growth because everyone actively attends these services every week.

Actions speak louder than words, right?

A Problem With The People

I was recently in church as the teacher made a comment that struck me quite hard. We were discussing the importance of prayer. The teacher was saying that most people in the church do not pray very much. Similarly, the majority of people in the church are not involved in church ministry at all. Likewise, there is a group of young people that are not involved in any church ministry, not even the Sunday service, because they feel excluded and they don't fit in with anything.

Everyone agreed with these observations, readily raising our hands to identify that we did not pray enough and all that. So the conclusion was that we all need to pray more. Pray for those young people, pray for our leadership, pray for opportunities, pray for God's leading...

"There is no problem with the programs, it's a problem with the people."

And there it was, said right out in the open. In addressing these issues and while trying to encourage all of us, we are told that it's all our fault and we need to change. Oftentimes, when I discuss the inefficiencies and limitations and problems with the way that the modern church is run, this is by far the most common response that I get. Church is fine as it is, it's just the individuals that are at fault.

For every example of how someone feels excluded from church, we have an example of how someone considers the church to be their family. Talk about someone with no friends in church and we can point out the opposite. Hear about someone that has never been mentored in any way and we can show how we have small group ministries to fix that.

Doesn't the overwhelming pattern say something about church at all? If ninety percent of the people are never involved in church ministry, and most people do not pray regularly, and many people do not have even one close Christian friend, and... At what point do we admit that maybe, just maybe, our system of church is producing these results, rather than blaming all of these people as being immature or incompetant or unwilling or rebellious or selfish or lazy? (And that's only a partial list of how we blame and label people!)

As David Grant recently wrote here, why are we so keen to defend the local church institution while we're so willing to attack the people themselves? That seems so backwards.

So fine, I don't want to go overboard with this. The modern practice of church is useful in many ways and we don't want to scrap it all. Yes, there is a great degree of personal responsibility in each of our Christian lives and we can't expect the church to do it all for us. Yes, we certainly should be challenged and encouraged to pray more, to seek God's leading more, to love more.

And yet the need to defend the church programs and services is so ingrained that we preach it openly and no one doubts it. Sometimes I feel like I can't help but cry out against this.

Links & Blinks

Get a Cash Advance

Ha! My perspicacity is undeniable. Many thanks to my friend Mike, whose blog supposedly requires postgrad education just to have a sweet clue what he's talking about. I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not but he seems to think it is. I expected Dan's blog to qualify for the same status, as Abe playfully mocked here, but this evaluation claims that you only need high school for that one. 'S funny.

As for other recent blogs, my fiance Cam has some Christmas tree pics up. Ashleigh has a friend that recently published their own book, entitled The Invisible War. Steve gets nostalgic about old Saturday morning cartoons, my favourite being G.I.Joe.

We bid farewell to the Jennifer's blog. She has been posting off and on since August 2004 and she has some honestly revelational pieces in there about topics like grief and the loss of loved ones that will move you. A few other blogs have been deleted over the past month or two as well, and Lawyer Kid is the new semi-anonymous blog of one of my good friends whose initials may or may not be JET.

Thanks to everyone that responded to my recent posts about Marriage Manners and Wedding Crashers. Lawyer Kid responds with his this blog about his own rules for weddings, and he seems to emphasize Rule #1 a bit. Fascinating stuff, everyone, it was the best discussion on here in a while and I loved hearing the contrasting viewpoints.

One more link for the road: My dad uses the now-common catch-phrase BOCTAOE. The term was coined by Scott Adams, the creator of the Dilbert comics. Scott has a habit of toying with new ideas on his blog (which I read faithfully 'cause it's hilarious). The problem is that every new idea is often met with examples of how a general statement does not apply in a particular situation.

"The sky is blue." "Well, sometimes the sky is red at sunset." "No kidding. BOCTAOE!" The original statement is still true enough as an observation but people love to nit-pick and disagree and defend their own positions without really giving the original statement any serious consideration.

"The modern church does not encourage one-on-one friendships." "That's not true 'cause I met my best friend through my church." "Sure, but I met five people in church in the past three months that do not have even one friend." Open discussion to see if maybe, just maybe, the modern church isn't all it's cracked to be is hard if everyone just assumes that church is fine as it is. We can never improve and grow as individuals and as a church if the BOCTAOEs keep getting in the way. Let me hear an Amen!

The Advent Of A Miracle

For the fourth year in a row, I am part of the choir for the annual Christmas performance at my church. I sang in the bass section in my first year, I sang in the tenor section for the last two years, and this year I am singing bass again. I also have the solo for the final song of the evening, a really jazzy and uptempo version of "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing."

I have seen a preview of the entire performance during our practices and it's fantastic. The choir and soloists handle about twelve songs, ranging from classic Christmas carols to modern songs from Sarah McLachlin. This year, our choir is also accompanied by a live band. Usually, we record our own music tracks inhouse each year but this time we opted for the presence of musicians, even if that does double the complexity of performing these choir songs.

Mixed in with the songs, there are two stories. We have the classic story of Mary and Joseph, performed on stage by various actors. Virgin birth, Joseph not wanting anything to do with it until an angel visits him, no room in the inn, etc.

This story is shown in contrast with a modern tale about a husband whose family is in a car accident. The husband has to face the brutal emotions and questions that come in a situation like this as his family fights for their lives in a hospital. Themes of forgiveness and purpose show how the birth (and eventual death and resurrection) of Jesus has really changed our lives and our relationship with God forever.

This second story is actually shown as a film and it is quite impressive. It was filmed with proper cameras and lighting and boom mics and the whole bit, on location in Toronto and everything. It's like a short film that is woven between the on-stage play of Mary and Joseph and the choir songs. At one point, there is one song that really encapsulates all of the agonizing emotions from this main story and I think that it's the saddest song that I have ever heard.

It's a real roller-coaster ride and it's incredibly powerful. Everyone is invited to join us for one of the six free performances, as noted above. Be forewarned that each performance is usually packed and the second weekend is so full that many people have to be turned away due to a lack of parking and seating. You may want to arrive by 6:30 pm at the latest for whichever performance you are attending.

Merry Christmas!

My Own Man

So for the past few months, my dad has been reviewing his thoughts about church, paid pastors, the church building, and the importance of meaningful relationships. being the guy that he is, he likes to make his point with plenty of incendiary comments. Like this one and this one, in which he uses the average church budget to calculate that most Christians pay $43 per month for the Sunday services and give $2 per month to the poor, which is how the church finances ends up being spent.

And me, I love to read my dad's stuff 'cause it makes you think. Granted, a chunk of it is crazy talk designed to get a reaction out of us but I still like it. I think his core opinions are valid and well considered even he is still figuring things out for himself in many ways.

The problem is that I seem to get painted with the same label as my dad. Whatever little description we place on his stuff tends to get applied to me as well. And yet, I'm the one that directly challenges my dad more than anyone else. I could give examples directly from my own blog or from my comments on his blog, but even in my own daily discussions with him I tend to take everything that he says with a grain of salt.

Not that I think my dad is too off-base with some of his thoughts. It just so happens that I've been growing in the same areas that he has for the past ten years or so. I started my own cell group back when I was 21 years old because I realized how shallow and superficial so many of my own friendships had been. (As I wrote about here.) And in recent years, I've noticed the same pattern in soooo many other Christians and that makes me questions the effectiveness and purpose of the local church.

Of my entire family, I'm the one person that has consistantly attended church for the past 29 years of my life. (More than that, if you count when my mom was pregnant.) Each of my family members has lived in other countries for periods of time, has gone to school, and for whatever reasons they haven't always gone to church consistantly. But I have. And now that my dad has a lot of blog posts questioning the goals of the average Sunday service, people think that I'm in the same boat. If anything, I believe in church more than most people, and I've been more involved in church ministry than almost anybody else. Heck, I'm probably more of a goody-two-shoes-churchy-McChurch-A-Lot than all of you.

But you know what? As much as I love church, and as much as I have been involved with church ministry, I'm always willing to talk about the problems and search for better ways. Better ways of reaching out to people, better ways of communicating God's love, better ways of building friendships, better ways of being the followers of Christ that we were meant to be. And if that means asking a few innocent questions about the modern machinations of church then so be it.

So my question to you is: How many of us are just following in the footsteps of our own parents? How many of us believe the same version of religion that our parents believe? How many of us have only one or two friends, just because that's what our parents have? How many of us think it's all right to yell and scream during an argument, just because that's what we saw and heard while growing up? How many of us still hurt because of something our parents said or did, and still allow those memories to wound us all the time?

How many of us like still make little decisions every day as a direct result of what our parents did? And how many of us are willing to step back and try to grow a little more on our own? We can take the good and positive things from our parents without allowing the negative stuff to control us. Be thankful for what our parents gave us, and what they still give us, but without limiting ourselves to being mere reflections of who they are.