First Impressions

"You're one of the most arrogant men that I have ever met."

Ha! I loved hearing that line. It struck me in such a funny way. Arrogant, snobby, unteachable, prideful, jerk. Yep, I've received all of these labels a number of times.

It's so odd because my closest friends say the exact opposite. Every so often, someone applies these labels to me and I ask my confidants for their honest opinion. Am I really a butthead? Do I really think less of other people? Do I really push others around and assume that I'm the smartest person in the room? Do I think that I'm right all the time?

And close friends that they are, they all respond otherwise. They tell me that I'm caring, selfless, generous to a fault, always willing to listen, ready for compromise, not stubborn, open to discussion, blah blah blah. Parents think I'm perfect and my friends think I'm almost perfect.

Yes, I am humble and I am very proud of that humility. Yes, I am proud and rightfully so. (Um, a lot of this post is tongue-in-cheek, in case you think I'm merely proving my arrogance.)

I find that the biggest difference in opinion is between social groups. My closest friends, my oldest friends, the people I supervised in business, they tend to think that I'm really nice and humble. Other groups that see me less frequently, like Young Adults or worship team members, tend to have a more negative impression of my personality.

I think that some of this might come down to first impressions. Or perhaps more accurately, superficial impressions.

I'm a very decisive guy with a a lot of leader-commander strengths. Big decisions, a lot of decisions, hard decisions, they're all fairly easy to handle. Just weigh the pros and cons, get the info from people and make the call. I'm also good at delegation and efficiency, so two people doing two separate things at once is better than two people doing one thing together and then another thing together. Take these traits and put 'em to use when I lead worship or organize an event and it might rub some people the wrong way.

However, I have long recognized how easily I can dominate a group, either as a leader or in simply hogging the conversation. Therefore, I often make a conscious effort to shut up. I purposely give others the chance to step up and make a decision, to make their voices heard, to air their opinions. I really do like to see people develop and mature and grow, and that won't happen if I'm always talking and doing things. The problem is that this trait might come across as shy, or snobby, or stubborn, or passive-aggressive. And apparently it does come across that way to some people.

I'm also a big fan of sarcasm and trash talk. I attribute this to hanging out with guys most of my life, from public school to sports teams to road trips. A lot of guys bond really well with that sort of thing. Girls, not so much. And especially during the early stages of getting to know someone, some black humour or semi-inapproriate comments can easily offend or scare off the wrong person. Looking at my history, I think that my friends Lori and Ashleigh really enjoy this type of humour but few girls tend to accept such jokes. Most new guys that I meet join in the fun of it immediately, though.

I have a number of other traits, like my introverted personality, that can easily come across the wrong way. That's more than enough for now, though.

A lot of people have the mistaken understanding that being loud, taking charge, giving your opinion and being decisive are somehow bad things. I have always seen these attributes as personality strengths. I actually expect people to develop these traits in any group of business that I lead. I want people to stick their necks out and speak for themselves.

It's just that people often have a sheep mentality. Follow the leader, do whatever the boss says, obey the pastor, don't cross your parents. We're goaded into obediance in so many ways until we have a hard time making any kind of decision on our own. And if we see someone else being aggressive, we're taught that they're rebellious and arrogant and rude and...oh wait, that's me.

Could I soften the edges of my personality a bit? Sure. Should I be aware of the negative side of my personality strengths? I darn well better be. However, I also acknowledge my abilities and personality and I run with it. I value who I am and I see the depth of my own character. I don't expect everyone to behave as I do - and God help us if we had too many JAG's running around - but I like who I am.

First impressions are so brief but they can last for such a long time. I don't think that I'm well-built to make good first impressions but if someone befriends me, I think that they can see how hard I have worked to develop the character that I have today, to be the man that I am today. I write blog posts like this because I am not satisfied with where I am and I do want to grow more. I honestly consider criticism that I receive from all quarters and I try not to take things for granted. I know that my motivations and actions might look different from the outside and I don't want to tick people off and offend them unnecessarily.

So here's to making better first impressions...