Character and Hope

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3,4

December 20th, 2005 was my sixth year anniversary at work. At one point I had been working there as a computer programmer for almost three years and, by my estimation and that of my bosses, I had become both talented and experienced. I had the privilege of being a member of the design team for new software projects and I had a knack for solving the most difficult problems.

While I was able to decipher solutions from only the vaguest of clues, I also had a keen eye for potential problems with proposed designs. I had the foresight to know when a design decision would backfire on us but that understanding was a two-edged sword. If the "right" decision was not made and the logic of a situation was ignored, I would become frustrated.

Granted, this was the result of numerous factors. Obviously, the leading cause of my frustration was that I was somewhat prideful, which is a nice way of saying I was an arrogant butthead. Even so, my frustration grew as I was proven correct more often than not. In my mind, I could have accepted being proven wrong but to be right and then have to clean up the mess left by others...well now!

My frustration mounted over the course of several months. My poor sister frequently picked me up from work after she was done school for the day and she was unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end of my complaints each afternoon. It got to the point that I making faces and sighing out loud during meetings when we would decide on actions that I suggested a month beforehand. I saw my attitude deteriorating drastically and yet I was helpless to reverse this downward spiral. In the larger scheme of things, my "suffering" amounts to little and yet it was still such a depressing time for me.

We were discussing this verse from Romans in my cell group last week. Some of my other friends are able to relate to this passage on a much deeper level than I can. I look back at that period in my life and see a long stretch of darkness but in comparison to the stories of others, things couldn't have been any easier. During our discussion, however, we did find that this passage rung true for each of us in our own ways.

My situation at work is not unique. The majority of the time, people seem to head for greener pastures in a new job or even a new career. I've certainly seen my share of acquaintances and friends leave a variety of jobs because of the stress and difficulties of the workplace. I considered doing just that but I decided that if God didn't open a door for me then that was that.

So God, being as wise as he is, decided that I should stay where I was. I eventually realized that I wasn't going anywhere any time soon and I also realized that nothing was going to change at work. That left only one thing that could be changed: me.

Between a period of three to six months, I kept coming back to God. I prayed and had others pray for me. I applied verses to my situation and everything else that you would expect. I would still find instances in which decisions were made at work that left me inwardly fuming at my desk. That remained constant. Now, though, things started to change inside me. Now, I decided that the only person I was hurting in my anger was myself and I decided to consciously choose to comply fully and completely with whatever was assigned to me. I chose to enjoy my own work, offer my own opinion and then respect the final outcome, period.

It wasn't easy. Let me tell you, that's where the perserverance part of this verse came in for me. Little by little, that black cloud over me began to dissipate. The muttering and grimaces slowly ceased and were replaced with encouraging words and warm smiles. The end of my days were not a release from my cell (and by that I mean cubicle) but were instead opportunities for me to spend time with my sister in friendly conversation.

Nothing about my situation changed. The only thing that changed was me.

And so it happened that I developed a little more character. As a curious side effect, I find that I now come across plenty of people that are facing the same struggles in their own workplaces and careers. I can immediately identify with them and more importantly, I can offer them hope. I can say that I went through that tunnel but God was with me and I did see the light on the other side.

God's a funny. Refining fire looks pretty but oy, does it hurt to go through it.