Puzzles & Paintings

We often treat people likes puzzles. We take a corner piece labeled "Good Cook" and we attach it to the piece marked "Good Host." We take a middle piece called "Decisive" and we attach it to the next piece labeled "Impulsive." We take all of these little sections of the picture, stick a name on them and voila, we have our image of this particular person.

The problem with a puzzle is that there are only so many parts to it. Once we have our puzzle put together, it's really hard to add or remove any one piece. Everything the person does or says now conforms to our picture of them in some way. Why did they behave that way? Oh right, it's because they're impulsive. Why did they say that? Ah, it's because they're judgmental. (And that thought usually appears with no sense of irony.)

So all of our interactions and observations with that person are now filtered by this puzzle picture that we created about them. It doesn't matter if the conversation takes five seconds or twenty minutes, it's now a simple matter to label what happened. Even worse, we now have licence to react according to our unique perspective of the situation instead of what really happened.

If the person doesn't want to help us, it's because they are selfish and never mind that they were on a cell phone in a noisy crowd. If the person refused to meet with us to discuss some important matter, it's because they're stubborn and we ignore the fact that they wanted to spend time with their spouse. If the person gets angry and yells at us, it's because they have little self control and it couldn't be the result of our insulting words. Every event just becomes evidence to support our picture.

Sometimes our little puzzles are created over time. We may not talk with the person too much so we can't tell much about them. Sometimes the person is introverted so we don't get to understand them easily. Sometimes the person seems to act contradictory so we get confused about the label to apply, so we try to match a few different puzzle pieces.

And sometimes our puzzles are created instantaneously. Some people have real talent in sizing people up accurately based on their initial meeting. Some people merely prefer to jump to conclusions and then stick with that. Sometimes one major event will define the person for us, like seeing them sing on stage at church or being insulted by one random comment in a group setting. And hey, if our puzzle pieces don't quite match properly, we can act like that five year old that tries to mash differing puzzle pieces together.

In the end, we all create our own picture of each person that we meet. We each have different talents and methods for doing this, some of which are more accurate than others. Some people form this picture from an emotional perspective. Some form this picture based on little facts and interactions here and there. Some ignore the real person and they put together this picture based on traumatic childhood experiences, or maybe their idealized version of what they want to see.

I think that people are more like paintings. On a painting, you can add layers as time goes by. You can stand further back and get the big picture, or you can get close and see the nuances of brush strokes and the minor of splatter of paint. The Mona Lisa is certainly a great piece of art but sometimes we don't realize that there are three more versions of this painting hidden under the layers.

As innate as it is to label people and then use our little puzzle pieces, we need to try to see them as a magnificant and unique painting. We won't necessarily see or understand the intricacy right away. We need to let people be themselves and get away from the little boxes and labels that we use, especially the ones that only serve to hurt the relationship. We need to grow, and we need to let them grow and change.

We're not putting them together. We're just trying to uncover the details and amazing creativity that is already there. Like studying the Mona Lisa, we're trying to find the beauty that is right in front of our eyes. We need to discover that subtle smile and that twinkle in the eye. There is a depth and wonder in everyone.