A Love Like This

Patiently, passionately have I waited.
Carefully, quietly have I longed.
To find my star, the light of my life.
To free my soul, to finally let go.
To give myself away.

Mysteriously, miraculously has she come.
Hopefully, helpfully did she approach.
To see my heart, to know my thoughts.
To pierce my heart, to take me in.
To love all of me.

I have heard of this kind of love, in fairy tales and from aged couples. The kind of love that is so honest and free, so intense and empassioned, so easy and innocent, so crazy and wise. The kind of love for Happily Ever After. The kind of love that makes a couple still gaze into each other's eyes so deeply after the years have gone. The kind of love that burns instantly and explodes brilliantly, like a supernova that shines across millions of years.

I have heard of this love and it's unfathomable but I have found it. No, that's not it. I didn't find this love, this love has found me. I found her and she found me.

On Sunday August twenty-fourth of two thousand and seven, I asked Cam M. N. Tran to marry me. She accepted.

The Saturday beforehand, I began to make preparations. I spoke to my mom and then later to my dad to tell them I was going to ask The Question. As I predicted, my mom's first reaction was to slap me hard in the arm, immediately following that with a big hug and much excitement. My dad responded by saying, "It's about time!" and then offering some sage advice.

On Sunday afternoon at four o'clock in the afternoon, I arrived at Cam's apartment. I had purchased six dozen roses and I placed them with the vase on the floor in front of her door. I knocked and then scurried around the corner. Cam looked through the peephole and saw no one, so she opened the door and was greeted by an abundance of flowers.

I then stepped out from around the corner, we entered her apartment and she stared in amazement at this bouquet. It included five dozen red roses and one dozen white roses, plus baby's breath and green leaves among the petals. The florist said this was the single biggest collection of roses that she had ever prepared and she was surprised that she even managed to fit them all into the vase.


Once we were inside, Cam and I sat down on the couch. She laid in my arms while still focusing on the roses. I then read a long love letter than I had written. I have written her many love letters and a few poems and songs before but this was the first time that I had read one aloud to her. And at the end of the letter, I asked The Question.
"Will you marry me?"
She had suspected that I might ask her soon but she was surprised none the less. "Really? Is this really happening?", she asked. And she immediately answered yes, and then yes again, and then yes again and again...

The previous Friday marked two months since our first date. Initially, she thought that my letter and the roses were intended to celebrate that milestone. However, I had gotten her three roses on that day to mimic the three roses from our first date so this extravagent gesture was fairly unexpected.

After enjoying an hour together by ourselves, it was time to start sharing this crazy news! The remainder of the evening was a whirlwind of phone calls and driving. We informed our parents and our siblings. I even made a direct call to South Korea on my cell phone so that I could speak to my sister. Then we went to St. Thomas so we could each inform Lori, who was the friend that used to work with both of us and had played match maker. After we left Lori and Brooke to finish their bath, Cam and I had dinner in St. Thomas together.

Then we returned to London and we made an impromptu visit with Tara for a bit because she is a good friend to each of us. Many phone calls and other visits ensued for the rest of the evening and over the next two days. It all culminated with changing our official Facebook relationship status and now, this blog. Heh.

There is one more amusing note about this story. I was writing my love letter earlier on that Sunday afternoon. As is my habit, I e-mailed the document to myself so that I could go and print it from the main computer in my house. After sending the file and checking my inbox, I came to a sudden realization: I had accidentally sent the e-mail to Cam instead!

Slightly panicked as I realized my error, I immediately phoned her and asked her not to check her e-mail account. She actually had her e-mail open at the time but she had not received my mistaken missive yet so she complied and closed her browser. Wow, I just barely averted that crisis. The e-mail in question was entitled "The Question" and the document attachment was named "Engagement.doc." Good thing I got away with that one!


Now to answer all of the persistant questions...
No, she does not have a ring yet. She preferred to select one with me but we'll have one on her left hand soon enough. Pictures will be posted at that point, naturally.

No, we do not have a date set yet. We're considering at least one year away, possibly more.

No, we have not decided on any of the million other decisions related to weddings. We are aware of these things, especially since we have several friends that recently became engaged as well, but we'll take our time and enjoy each other for now.


If you're interested in learning more about how we got together, you can read my blog and her blog. To all of my friends and family, thank you so much for the warm wishes and encouragement and excitement and love.

And Cam, I love you so much. The depth of your beauty draws me in, a light that is fully radiant in spirit, soul and body. I am amazed by you, by simply who you are. And I want to be with you, each day and forever.

Links & Blinks

Congratulations to Richard and Tara. They have been engaged for a little while now, as Tara wrote here. They have now set a formal wedding date: March 30th, 2008. The wedding will take place at Circle Square Ranch, which is where they first met when they were summer camp counselors there.

Super-crazy-amazing-fantastic congrats to my friends Joel Terry and Alma. Alma is now pregnant and she is expecting their second child together! The due date is sometime in April 2007, no word on if it's a boy or girl yet. This is great news, especially since they have been talking recently about having another baby, and their daughter Rhea is excited by the idea of having a young sibling. I love the story of their family. Woo hoo!

As for recent bloggers, Ashleigh wrote about her recent experiences. Our friend Nicci also wrote about her recent experiences here. They both opened up honestly about the challenges they have each faced in the past few months.

And a random blogger was searching the web and came across this blog from my dad, and then found my blog in turn. She wrote about that here. She also wrote her own brief biography here, talking about the obstacles that she has overcome throughout her life. Wow.

The Source

Pretend that there is a girl in a counseling session. She is dealing with some trauma from her childhood. As she walks through her memories, she experiences the pain and fear of that situation all over again. This time, though, God is healing her. She realizes the truth of it: It was not her fault. God loves her. She will survive, she will be whole again, she is beautiful.

The river of tears still flow as they always have whenever she remembers this time. This time, though, the tears are from being overwhelmed with incredible relief, comfort and peace. Tears of pain and fear have been replaced with tears of life. For the first time ever, this girl no longer feels like she is dead and buried. Instead she feels free to take a few tentative steps, to discover who she is and see the world as if it was brand new. It's like taking her a breath of air for the first time. It's almost scary for her to feel so happy and beautiful. It's life changing.

And then the counselor asks her to remember the situation again. This time, those waves of black emotion no longer roll over. This time, she recognizes that God is there with her. This time, she sees the enemy for who he is: A monster, but a pitiful monster. A person whose life has been destroyed, and who spreads destruction in turn. She feels pity for this tragic figure. She is in control of her heart and her mind now. She is not tormented and recoiling, she sees herself for who she truly is and that dark memory no longer binds her.

I've often heard of counseling scenarios like this. This is an entirely fictional one with few details, of course. However, I have heard that real healing like this not only results the girl seeing herself clearly for the first time, it also results in seeing the other person clearly for the first time. She sees how valuable and good and beautiful she is. And as a side effect, the person that attacked is no longer this impossible monster but instead they are seen as the broken and bleeding human being that they are.

Everyone has somebody in their past that has hurt them. I wrote about various examples here: Father and mothers, family, friends, boyfriends or girlfriends, bosses... Most of us have been hurt, though perhaps not so dramatically, and we all need healing and freedom from these things.

And with that life giving change, we start to see that almost everyone that hurt us was first hurt themselves. That abusive person may have first received abuse from their own parents. The controlling boss is just coping with a bad home life. The judgmental pastor was just trying his best considering how judgmental his own church was when he was growing up. That road rage freak experienced the pain of losing his parents as a young age and never learned how to deal with it.

Everyone has a story. We are the products of our past and the way that we reacted to that history. Whenever someone attacks someone else, in either word or action, it might just be a sign of how broken that person is on the inside. Whenever we see patterns of weird and detrimental behaviour, it might point to how that person grew up or was taught or how they reacted to a situation.

It's not necessarily a cause-and-effect thing, of course. Sometimes people are just jerks, right? ("Stop head butting me, Mr. Simpson.") However, I find that this is often my very first question when I hear about an especially mean boss or a crazy circumstance or an emotionally fragile person.

Why? Why did that person act that way? Why do they think that's normal behaviour? Why can't they see how harmful their actions are? Why do they choose to attack like that? Why are they so vulnerable, or why are they so hard-hearted? Why do they keep doing the same weird things while thinking that's acceptable?

What is the source of it?

And when we ask that question, it effects how we respond. Rather than just trying to defend ourselves, fight or flight, we now look for a better way out. Instead of responding only in anger or fear, we see that maybe the other person is just as wounded as we are - maybe even more. This question is what we find when we take control of our hearts and decisions, when we make our choices independantly, when we are whole again.

None of us are perfect, none of us have had completely picturesque lives. However, we can have healing and freedom for ourselves. And we can start to understand the hearts and minds of others a bit better...

Let It Flow

The boss that fired us without cause, or the boss that always criticizes you. The brother that physically attacked you, or the sister that always mocks your choice of clothes. The father that left you, or the father that was around but never had a kind word for you. The mother that said she never wanted you, or the mother that won't leave you alone. The friend that gave away your precious secret to everyone, or the friend that always gets you to do something you don't want to do. The boyfriend that used you and left, or the girlfriend that just won't let go.

We have all had people like these in our lives. Sometimes we were badly hurt by a single black moment that we can't forget. Sometimes the person just eroded us slowly and wore away our identity until there was nothing left. Sometimes the person meant well and hurt us anyway, sometimes the person was selfish and cruel and spiteful. It may have happened while we still just kids, we may have been blind-sided as a teenager, or we may been burned as adults.

Sometimes the wounds were relatively minor and we just tried to deal with it. Sometimes these circumstances were terrifying and they tore apart our lives and our families.

And in response, we tried to find ways to cope. Fight or flight. We learned how to attack that mean person - and then anyone else that we saw as a threat. We use words to try and stab their hearts, or we are passive aggresive, or we yell and swear and threaten them. Or we learned to hide and concede and run. We never voice our own desires, we try to never offend or confront anyone, never make a decision and always let someone else lead.

And so the cycle continues. We inflict pain because pain was inflicted on us. We refuse to express our feelings because daddy never expressed his love to us. We ignore relational problems because we saw how our parents fought, but eventually we fight because of that. We vowed to never abandon our families, but we worked so hard to support our families that we were never home. We hated how helpless we felt when we were so young, so we gained control and now we make others feel helpless.

So much of who we are was formed by the choices of others. Our character is defined by how others behaved. The way we view life is built on what others told us was true. The way we see our future is through the lens of our past.

It doesn't have to be this way. We can change the pattern and create a new one, not by fighting against the infinite tide but by swimming in a new direction. We can find peace and bring light into those dark places. We can let God draw us close and caress us and love us in a way that no one else ever has. We can replace those insidious lies with amazing truth, with Jesus. We can break those chains and find freedom.

Healing and freedom and joy do not come because we are smart enough or strong enough or good enough. It comes when we give it all up. Give up trying to fix it, give up trying to fight everyone, give up trying to protect ourselves, give up running away.

We are made healthy again when we acknowledge that wound and we surrender our pain. It comes when we forgive and release that enemy of our soul and we hold on to our saviour instead. It comes when we let God show us what really happened, how he was there with us and cried with us, how he has walked with us each step of the way.

There is hope. There is life, real life. Like water waiting to burst from our spirits and into our souls, washing away all of the dirt and making everything grow again. Let it flow...

Glimpses of God

Everywhere I look, I see a glimpse of God. In everyone I know, I see God somehow. Every person can teach me something about the heart of God.

From women, I learn something about the desire and longing of God, that desire that he has for a close relationship with me. From people in pain, I see the frailty of Jesus and the sacrifice that he made for me, the way that he identifies with me. From children, I see the way that God celebrates and cherishes my life. From parents, I see the way that God wants to love me and call me his child, his desire to have me mature and change.

As my relationships grow and deepen with my friends and family, I find that I am seeing more and more of God each day. Each of my friends is teaching me something new about my own heart and the way that I communicate with God. It's an incredible experience and it requires nothing more than being a friend and then looking for God.

After all, every one of us is created in God's image. Men and women both show aspects of God's character but we show it in different ways. Our unique personality traits and who we are today reveals something about how amazing God is. Each of is a mirror of His love. We can see parts of ourselves as we look into other people, and we can see God.

You are incredible. Thank you for showing me something new, just by being you.

Open Door

"Imagine yourself floating in a foggy environment. You can see only one thing in front of you. It’s an open doorway to somewhere.

Without knowing anything else, including where the doorway leads, or what your needs and desires are at the moment, or even why you are in this foggy environment at all, give your first reaction to this question:

Do you choose to pass through the doorway?"

Ah, the doorways of life. What is your instinct in a situation like this? Do you prefer to stick with the safe and known, or venture into the nebulous unknown? All things being equal, will you opt for change and movement or will you choose to stay where you are?

I stole this question from this post on The Dilbert Blog. After asking that initial question, the author followed up with this post in which he suggested that women and men tend to view this situation differently. He tries to conclude that women would generally prefer to stay while men would generally prefer to use the door. I don't intend to make a comment regarding the battle of the sexes, but it is a nice picture about how we approach decisions in our lives.

Do we prefer to stick with the safe and unfulfilling job or do we take the chance and aim for something new and better? Do we wait for that girl or guy to come along and sweep us off of our feet or do we take a few steps towards somebody that we might like? Do we expect our friends to make plans for us or do we invite others to join us? Do we wait for God to speak to us before we move or do we look for God to speak as we're moving?

It's about passivity versus action. There may be a number of reasons to stay where we are, and there may be a number of reasons to get moving. It's easy enough to build a case to stay, if that's what you really want. And it's easy to enough to convince ourselves to move, if that's what we really want. I say...

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained."