Circles of Friends
Back when I was twenty-one years old, I came to the realisation that my friendships were too superficial and that I needed to develop deeper relationships. I needed to actually talk about meaningful issues with my friends and we needed to help each other grow in real and practical ways. So around that time, I started a small group for a few guys that I knew.
This "cell group" was focused on two aspects: Our spiritual growth and our friendship. We would have Bible studies and prayer and discussion, and then we would balance that by simply hanging out, eating snacks and playing video games or pool.
I quickly learned one thing, though: I couldn't be close friends with everyone. Despite my intentions, it became clear that I simply didn't have enough time to hang out with each guy individually on a consistant basis and build one-on-one friendships with everyone. I tried to do that at first but I just didn't have enough time every week to do that.
In my search for balance in terms of the number of friends, I came back to Jesus' example with his disciples. He had twelve disciples that he had around him regularly. However, there were three disciples that he singled out as close friends: Peter, James and John. (For example, they stayed close to him when Jesus prayed in Gethsemane in Mark 14.)
The Inner Circle of Friends
So over the past few years since that time, I have tried to acknowledge that I am limited in terms of how much time I can devote to my closest friends. While I hang out with a lot of people and have many friends, I recognize that I can only have a few really close friends. Over the years, the list of my closest friends has changed a bit but right now, I would say that I have three very close friends.
I don't necessarily get to hang out with each of these friends regularly but there's enough of a bond there so that when we do get together, we can talk about almost anything. I can openly tell them about the things that I'm struggling with and they can freely challenge me about issues or plans in my life. I love this "inner circle" of friends.
The Outer Circle of Friends
I also have a larger circle of friends with whom I have a long history. I hang out with these friends less frequently but we often have certain key things that we can talk about in depth. I can chat with former co-workers about the rigours of professional life. I can chat with old friends about their future plans and goals in life. We're not completely open about everything but there are certain areas that are important to us.
This circle is the trickiest one. I don't think that everyone necessarily uses my perception of the levels of friendship. Some people would like to hang out constantly with a wide circle of friends. I frequently get requests to spend time with people from this group. This is fine because I want to spent time with them as well. In fact, I currently have a pending list of five people that I have vague plans to see in January.
The issue is that I will not allow this outer circle to take more time from me than my inner circle. That makes sense, right? I should spend more time with my closest friends. However, there are a lot more friends in this larger circle. If I devote only a small percentage of my time to each of them, I will quickly run out of all of my free time. So mathematically speaking, I have to intentionally say no to some requests from this circle. I like these friends and it would be very nice to hang out with them more frequently, it's just not feasible on a regular basis and that's an annoying lesson that I had to learn.
I (used to?) try and facilitate social events so that other Christian guys from this circle could develop some friendships between each other. I figured that since I don't have time for everyone but everyone still needs some close friends, I would create opportunities for others to develop those friendships. Funny enough, I didn't see this approach actually work much for whatever unknown reasons.
The Circle of Acquaintances
Beyond that, I have a very wide circle of more casual acquaintances. This includes co-workers, people on the worship team at church, friends-of-friends, etc. Most often, I only see these friends during my regular weekly activities. There isn't much motivation to spend personal time together beyond that.
I assume that people have other views and approaches regarding the friendships in their lives. I would be interested in hearing other ideas about all of this, but at least I can explain where I'm coming from.
14 comments:
the challenge...
even though there were few that always stuck around jesus, and maybe they were ones he might have confided in more than others (hey can you get me some more underwear from the store)... somehow he managed to make everyone feel like his best friend...
i'm just imagining here...
Each of my friendships are so very different. Some are closer than others because of time, shared experiences and bonding, others are newer but close in the present. Sometimes convenience plays a part in time spent with certain individuals as well as opportunity to develop friendships that otherwise might not have the same change. Other times, although inconvenient, love and commitment drive the desire to maintain and develop the friendship. Maybe I treat each friend on a case by case basis, and assume they do the same to me. I've never really thought about it in this way. I don't really know.
You are right though; generally there are fewer close one's because you can't spread yourself to thin and more 'outer circle' friends than anything. Sometimes outer circle friends develop into inner circle friends while old inner circle friends still qualify but life has changed so much it's very infrequent that you catch up making more room for inner circle friends (time being the major factor that allows this to happen). Yeah, I'm rambling.
How does it fit if someone thinks of you as a closer friend than you think of them? Do you calculate the amount of time you spend with them based on which circle they fall into in your own life, or do you account for which of their circles that you fall into?
I find that spelling it out so black and white (ie: this whole calculation of friendships) is somehow degrading to the whole thing...Can someone be at the same time an intimate confidant as well as a variable in an intangible equation?
I'm with Andrea in that I've never consciously tried to classify my frienships. But if I really thought about it, I would have to say that I'm in a bit of a unique situation, in that my closest friend right now is someone that I have yet to meet face to face. Even still, I can tell her things that I can't anyone else. She is definitely one of my, maybe 3 "inner circle friends.
On the other hand, I have people in my life that I have known, literally, all of my life and we are nowhere near as close now as we were 5 years ago. I used to consider her a part of my "inner circle", but not so much anymore.
And then there are those friendships that are quite new that I'm not sure how I would classify them yet. I've pretty much just decided to concentrate on becoming better friends with God in the meantime, and He will help me to develop the right kinds of friendships with the right people.
Heh. I agree that this "cold" calculation isn't how most people think about things and it may seem harsh. However, I think that it's a lesson that I learned out of necessity.
I tried to maintain too many close friendships before and I spread myself too thin. I began to resent how much time was taken by my friends. That might have something to do with introversion vs. extroversion, of course. The way I learned this lesson may not apply to others but it worked for me.
Y'all made several points about how it's hard to classify different kinds of friendships and how friendships change over time. I agree. This concept that I have is more of a rule of thumb so that I don't burn myself again, that's all. The power of "no," right?
Well, I'm an extrovert for what it's worth, and I've experienced the whole 'spread yourself too thin" (yuk, I don't like the sounds of that but I'll ignore my sick mind), thing. It took effort on my part to say no more often and concentrate harder on my own needs and the needs of friends I'd already made commitments to emotionally. I get what you are saying, but it can sound hard when you try to describe it, just like when prioritizing your life, yourself, friends, work, etc. We all do it on some level, consciously or not - but it can be a hard thing to examine, especially if you are struggling with priorities in life or in friendships.
I'm an introvert as well, and I'm also very guarded when it comes to who I allow myself to get close to. Maybe that's why most of my friendships exist online...safety in distance I guess.
The bottom line is, you need to do what's best for you.
Saying no is very difficult for me too, but I'm slowly learning that, in order to maintain my sanity, I need to use the word every so often.
Does that make sense, or an I just rambling nonsensically again?
I really liked all your points question are you talking about friends that are same gender or are you talking about in general? because i have a couple really close friends that are different gender and i somtimes spend more time with them then my close female friends. Sorry if that came out wrong. I am very social person so it's hard for me to have a couple close friends i interac with almost everyone. i would say that the people i should be more close friends are not due to time.
it's good to calculate things but sometimes it doesn't work the way you want it. Tara
i agree with andrea. surprise surprise. she has often had it that people called her best friend... she was the one they confided in... but they weren't the ones she ended up confiding in.
i think maybe a 4-d model would be better than your black and white 2-d model. Add in the dimension of time (old inner circle friends) and add in the dimension of people who need you. Dude, also add in the dimension of family. That's another one too.
Re: Confidants
Confiding in someone is a two-way street, right? People can't be real with us if we won't be real with them. I would assume that Andrea is pretty good at this balance.
Re: 4D Model
Good point. I purposely left out the aspects of family relationships, and my relationship with my Little, and long-term friendships. "Three circles" is mighty simplistic and the idea would probably be torn apart in a high school sociology class. Heh.
On a day-to-day basis, though, I need a tangible way to decide how and when to say no. I do have more demands on my time and my friendship then I can fulfill and I need to make decisions every week about that.
Re: Tara's Comment
It's a wonderful thing to have many friends. Some people can handle more ongoing friendships than others for various reasons. We just need to realize that some friends are closer than others and we cannot confide in everyone, nor should we confide in no-one.
It's a pleasure being acquainted with you :)
Heh. Making a point about segmenting my groups of friends, Abe?
Besides, I was in your cell group forever. Allow me to stick the "old friend" label on you. Congratulations.
In the last paragraph in my post, I noted that there are other ways to look at the issue of friendships and how we devote our spare time.
Andrea noted the importance of the emotional aspect and the negative side of the calculated assessment. Ashleigh noted her focus on God and Lori mentioned some of her own experiences. Tara has a more wide-open group of friends and Shona mentioned the complexities of friendships in real life. And Abe cracked a joke.
Interesting to hear those different voices chime in. Thanks, y'all.
and a partridge in a pear tree
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