Fingerprints
It's like my days as a custodian at London Gospel Temple, my old church. After everyone had gone home on Sunday night, I had to the clean the numerous glass doors at the entrances to the building. These glass doors would be layered with fingerprints from people pushing against the glass all day long, rather than using the push bar in the middle of the door. I would use a ton of Windex and paper towels, rubbing out every inch of each door. And even after a full half hour of cleaning, I would invariably change my viewing angle just a bit and I would see yet one more fingerprint that I hadn't seen before. You just had to change your angle ever-so-slightly and voila, more prints.
My point was that I was feeling exhausted from trying to fix all of these little details in my life. I was trying to mature and grow and improve myself but I just kept uncovering more problems to fix. It's an infinite loop that was wearing me out without end. There is always one more fingerprint to clean on the windows into me and I won't ever be able to clean them all.
I included my dad's observation that this is what religion does to us, this is what rules and traditions and "The Law" does. It sucks the life out of us and leaves us hallow and empty. I then concluded by saying that I wanted to find Life and Freedom somehow. I didn't even know how to do that, this was just a small and confused cry from somewhere inside me.
I look around at my life these days and I'm amazed to see where God has brought me. Now I'm writing posts like Finding Jesus and Dandelions and A Little Boy's Heart. I'm talking to friends like J.P. and reading about guys like Smith Wigglesworth as I try to learn what it means to follow Jesus each day. In allowing the Holy Spirit to direct me more than ever before, and in breaking away from the rules and laws that I used to obey without question, I find myself in a new place.
God is amazing. He knows what we really need better than we know ourselves. He knows what we're really seeking even if we can't say the question. He knows how to draw us into new life and new passion and so often, we don't even realize where we are being led. He knows our past, he sees our future and he's with us every step of the way.
I find that I'm trying to do less these days and yet, somehow, God is doing even more.
3 comments:
We had a lengthy discussion about this very thing late last week, and though I heard everything you said and knew you were right, I still, even after a few days of reflection, can't get my head to stop asking "Why?" and to just let God handle things.
This, knowing full well that I screwed up bigtime at some point in this journey....You would think that this would make me give up trying to analyze everything and wanting every question answered before I move...But no. It's just made me analyze and question more, even though I know that this is very dangerous territory with God.
I really need to figure out how to turn my head off and just let Him lead...I just don't know how.
And yes...I'm well aware of the irony in the fact that I have now turned into the over-analytical person, after the many discussions we've had about it...
"Screwed up bigtime..."
No, I don't think so. Got a little off track or something, sure. We all do, and we all will.
My 'Dandelions' post talks about that. God isn't laying a big smackdown on us, it's just us and Satan that do that. God knows our heart and understands what we're trying to do, even if we do it all wrong. He loves our dandelions.
The book of Job has a lot of the major "Why" questions in the Bible. And when God finally shows up to talk, what does he say in response?
(I like the fact that you're analyzing your over-analysis. Heh.)
And when we find ourselves somewhere desirable that we didn't even plan, we still seem surprised. I can't tell you how many times good things have happened that surprised me, that confirmed and linked all the relationships and landmarks in my life.
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